29 09 2007
#1646

Journalists who jack off on their coloured vinyl


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From Deciblog, the forum for Decibel magazine website

The Southern Lord Forum Sheds a Collective Tear
KHANATE PARTNERSHIP AFFIRMED TO BE ‘MORE DEAD THAN EVER’*

NEW YORK–Calling yesterday’s report that Stephen O’Malley had licensed a song from Khanate’s self-titled debut album for use in Leonardo DiCaprio’s forthcoming environmental documentary The 11th Hour “a gross misappropriation of doom metal’s unspoken code of ethics and grimness,” jilted former partner James Plotkin’s legal team went to court today to file a motion to remove “Torching Koroviev” from the film’s soundtrack pending further review.

“While I appreciate that Leonardo DiCaprio has made the transition from former teen idol to successful leading man, I’m not fully sure that DiCaprio can carry an entire film about global warming,” said Plotkin, who answered questions for reporters in an impormptu press conference outside the courthouse this morning. “It is my sincere belief that Khanate’s music would be better served to soundtrack a film about the Ice Age, such as a remake of Quest for Fire or Clan of the Cave Bear.”

When reached for comment, O’Malley dismissed Plotkin’s argument as a mere cry for attention. “James has always behaved like this. There’d be one piece of bread in the refrigerator and I’d repeatedly offer it to him. But as soon as I ate it, he’d give me a sob story about how much he really wanted it,” noted O’Malley, hard at work simultaneously designing the next Sunn O))) record cover on his computer while recording it with a foot pedal. “We tried counseling; it didn’t work.”

Shocked by O’Malley’s callous disregard for his feelings, the sensitive Plotkin preapred another statement for the press: “There’s a number of things I’ve been meaning to get off my chest since Khanate disbanded last year. The differences were, indeed, irreconcilable. The Corrupted discography was always mine; I agreed to let him have it. The Saxon CDs that I mistakenly took were returned immediately to Stephen’s apartment in a box of photos and scrapbooks I couldn’t bear to look at anymore. And, contrary to what he tells his friends, the stuffed rabbit on the nightstand always belonged to me. And I want it back.”

But O’Malley remains unphased by his former partner’s accusations: “You don’t see Toadliquor crying over their inclusion in the film’s soundtrack. We’ve already sold three Toadliquor records through the Southern Lord website since this news was revealed, and that’s three more Toadliquor records than we’ve sold all year! James just can’t stand to see any of his former partners happy, you know? To paraphrase Morrissey, ‘we hate it when our friends get to hang out with Leonard DiCaprio.’”

* While this sentiment is probably true, the rest of this story probably isn’t - we gave our fact-checking department the day off

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